snake oil of I.T. cowards

child:

Daddy, what's a ghetto?

parent:

Don't worry about it, son, it's there to protect you.

child:

Well, then, what's "self-regulation"?

parent:

It's where you control yourself so that the government doesn't have to step in and control you.

child:

Why do they segregate this stuff for us if we're supposed to be self-regulating?

parent:

Because they are afraid of corrupt politicians using the issue to introduce misguided legislation.

child:

Aren't there always going to be corrupt politicians?

parent:

Well, yes, but...

child:

So what's different now? Why the new ghettos?

parent:

Because the Internet is filled with filth, and, er, threatens children.

child:

I thought Compuserve was an "online service", not the Internet.

parent:

Yes, that's right, but you can use Compuserve to get to the Internet.

child:

I don't feel threatened by filth. I watch the news. That's worse. You have to keep your sense of humor somehow...

parent:

Well, we, as parents, feel threatened because we can't control what you're seeing when you're playing on the computer.

child:

So you don't trust us kids to self-regulate?

parent:

No, of course we trust you, it's just that we don't have enough time to watch over you constantly, and there are some very bad people on the Internet.

child:

Aren't I safer in my upstairs room with the Mac than I would be going to a movie or hanging out at the Seven-Eleven?

parent:

Well, to some extent. There's no accountability for people who do nasty things on the Internet. If you were approached by a bad man via email, or CU-SeeMe, I couldn't do anything about it.

child:

Surely you can call the police, the ISP, grep through logfiles, do traceroutes and nslookups on his originating host and track him down that way, if you wanted to catch him, no?

parent:

Well, I dunno about all that UNIX mumbo jumbo, and the police aren't likely to understand it either.

child:

They caught Mitnick, didn't they? And he's *still* in prison, isn't he? I guess that should act as a deterrent to computer crime, shouldn't it? Being held without bail for an indeterminate amount of time while the prosecuting attorney takes UNIX classes...

parent:

Just you be careful. I don't want you hacking, or cracking, or any of that. There's no reason why anyone would want a whole bunch of credit card numbers that don't belong to them.

child:

Except, perhaps, to use to get at that copy of Ulysses, or How to Talk Dirty and Influence People, or Lady Chatterley, or...

parent:

You can still get those things at the bookstore.

child:

So why can't I get to them online via Compuserve?

parent:

You have to break some eggs to make an omelet.

child:

What about pogroms ... I mean programs like SurfWatch and CyberSitter? Do you trust them to regulate what I see? This friend of mine, Bennett, doesn't seem to. He says that they censor other stuff besides the porn, including AIDS info, political commentary, and even criticism of their software.

parent:

I tire of this conversation. Go to your room.

child:

OK. Mind if I get online?

Steven Champeon

r e c i p r o c a t e

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© 1997-2001 Steven Champeon. All rights reserved.
All slights reversed.